Relating to Conflict

Food for feeling and thought about conflict from the perspective of embodied relational healing

Dear traveler,

I know there has been a lot of social media posting about what’s happening in Palestine and Israel right now. I’m finding myself, as a culturally Jewish, queer American woman who is simultaneously connected and disconnected to these current events, feeling frustrated at how measly and empty words feel. Those squares feel. Again and again. 

So many of us are longing. Maybe the words help us feel a little less alone, far away. Nothing we say here will free Palestine (and yet, we long for it). Nothing we say will stop the atrocities happening to Israelis and Palestinians alike (and yet, we long for it). All of that is to say, these wounds are some of the deepest, and I’m here with us, feeling the devastation of being human in this moment. 

I want to offer some food for feeling and thought about conflict more generally — for anyone who feels ready to receive — from the perspective of embodied relational healing. The work is here for us to do.

Photo by Michał Mancewicz on Unsplash

It seems obvious, but I’m going to say it anyway: nothing about what’s happening in Palestine and Israel can be boiled down to an Instagram carousel or a sound bite. Conflict, no matter what it is, is complex.

Why? Because ANY conflict brings us into contact (whether we are aware of it or not!) with ALL conflict. Our experiences, beliefs, and emotions regarding conflict — plus our ancestral inheritance — all rise to the surface. The experience of that is unpleasant, and often very painful.

What does this mean? It means that we hear the word “conflict,” and BOOM, we are charged and ready in body and mind to fight or flee in our own personal style. The challenge with this? Well, we arrive at conflict unable to actually be in relationship — and not just with the person or people we are in conflict with, but also with ourselves and with conflict itself. When we’re ready to fight or get the hell out, we literally cannot access the relational parts of our brain.

I share all of this not to make any suggestions about conflict resolution, but rather, to point out a critical aspect of conflict that affects us all deeply but rarely, if ever, is addressed. It’s important to address so that:

1. We can build awareness around our relationship to conflict and have choice in how we show up when conflict comes our way — even if that choice is, ultimately, to fight; and

2. We can better tend to the wellbeing of ourselves and other in moments of conflict.

Conflict often seeds violence, not because conflict itself is inherently violent, but because we’ve been conditioned to run from our own pain and suffering. I imagine this might be different from what many of us have learned. I know that it is for me.

As we make contact with the conflict that exists within and beneath the atrocities happening to our fellow humans in Israel and Palestine, my hope is that we can broaden our capacity to be in relationship with conflict. We might start by asking ourselves — or each other, within a trusted group — the questions below.

These questions put us in contact with conflict, so move slowly and intentionally. Take space. It’s an opportunity to practice being with conflict while also tending to wellbeing.

Here and now

• When I think of conflict, I immediately feel…

• When I think of conflict, I immediately think of…

Growing up

• What was I taught about conflict growing up? 

• What do I remember about being in conflict when I was growing up?

• How did my caregivers model conflict when I was growing up?

Beliefs

• What beliefs do I hold around conflict and morality?

• What beliefs do I hold around conflict and punishment?

Fear and anxiety

• What parts of conflict am I anxious about? 

• What parts of conflict am I afraid of?

Looking ahead

• Ideally, how do I want to show up in conflict?

• What support might I need during conflict to ease my fear and anxiety?

• What support might I need to move in the direction of my ideal self during conflict? 

If you are feeling like you need support during this time and are unsure where to find it, please reach out and I will be in touch as I am available.

Please note: There is a time and a place for this work. Active crisis is not the right moment. If you are in active crisis right now because of the violence in Palestine and Israel, this is a moment to tend to your safety and wellbeing.